Have you ever reflected on how much you’ve grown? Stopping to consider every growth mark as you check it off? Sometimes it is just a single step forward and two steps back. You grow strong, stunted or just wither.
As a kid, I didn’t know who I wanted to be like. It varied between being like my dad or my grandpa; sometimes it was Superman or Batman. Occasionally, I’d make up a superhero and be like them. It was always a twist on a current hero. Just searching for an identity.
A little older and I had the depth to ask how do I want to be. Crafting a moral code based on characters I read about in books and comics. Mostly the western heroes in William W. Johnstone’s Mountain Man series and Wolverine.
Then I was back to looking for my identity, this time partially from within. Between Thorin’s writings, and still somewhat emulating characters like Gibbs on NCIS and Riddick, I was looking for who I was. Confused may not be a strong enough adjective.
I became Batman.
Tragedy did cause that identity to crumble and my self-delusion to be exposed. I wasn’t the uber-warrior and intellectual demigod that I thought I was. Again, I had to ask, who am I?
Life seems to be an existential crisis at times, doesn’t it? Looking at the shattered pieces, I slowly began to gather them up. Taking my time, slowly gluing them back together, and asking, what am I?
Last year I figured it out, how I was designed, which pointed to which purpose I could serve and how I could use it, filling in the gaps serving and teaching.
The questions this year are how can I grow? What do I see that must be changed? Do I have a dream that stretches me beyond my limits?
The site has been ramped up to two posts a week. The posts are also being promoted to a wider audience and are more in-depth. Still, it’s like I’m in a holding pattern, waiting for the go ahead. I just don’t know where the destination is.