I Can Feel God Again

I hate to admit weakness. It’s easier to write about it than say it to someone’s face. I don’t like asking for help. When I ask for help, it’s because the need has finally grown more than my foolish pride.

It’s a Sunday night at FirstNLR, and the sanctuary is different. Communion is set up along the stage’s left. Prayer stations for the unsaved that we pledged to pray for during our missions push last November are beside it. Tables for a select few missionaries scattered throughout. A wall with national and local leaders set up to the right beside another station for the unsaved prayer list.

Prayer was going to saturate the room.

All through the service, the front was going to be lined with prayer pastors. People who go to God with you in prayer. Other people can go up, I don’t usually. I can do it myself.

That’s stupid.

I knew this night was coming and I resolved to put aside my ego and go up to pray. Even there I debated it. When the prayer pastors lined up, I was first in line.

My pride-laden ego was bound and gagged-locked in a closet.

I prayed with an anointed prayer pastor. Every time I have prayed with her, God has answered. Sometimes not in ways I like, but in ways I need.

She knew about the stress, work, and fatigue. We had talked about that before church. Kathy was the first person I admitted to about feeling disconnected from God since November. Maybe even longer.

“That’s a long time…” she said.
“Yeah.”

She prayed for anointing and wisdom and for people to see Jesus in me. One thing that struck me is her praying that God brings to my mind whatever had been putting the wall up so I can deal with it.

I thanked her and went back to my seat. I sat down.

“Unforgiveness.”
That rose to my mind.

I haven’t forgiven someone. I prayed for a half hour alone. Forgiving people, myself, thanking God for this and that. Making requests. It was a long list.

When I walked out, I felt cleaned out. The grudges I bore gone and a weight off my shoulders.

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15

The next day my peace was back. Where anger simmered before, there was barely a ripple. I had my smile back. I could feel God again.