The final part of Week 20 from Ronin’s Journey, the upcoming book.
Over the course of the week I meditated several times and was slowly drawing out the thoughts and feelings into the light; such as my self-critical side, how I feel about myself and the part that is always planning. They are useful and have their places, as the critical part pressure tests the strategies as long as I keep from being too critical and tearing everything down. That ties into how you feel about yourself, especially if it is built on something ‘intangible’ to counteract that. When the little voice cuts in you offer proof otherwise to shut it up.
That was the first time I meditated, the second I discovered the faces of repressed anger and insecurity (inner-asshole), hatred/darkness, protective side (guardian) and my animal side. The ‘asshole’ part is the voice that snaps at others in my head. Have you ever had someone make you mad and said nothing; however, in your head whole scenarios were playing out about what you want to do? That is where this part is from, repressed emotions from bottling it up and later…BOOM! Ever say something mean without thinking? That is what this is within me, so now I can work on keeping it in check, wrecking it by not repressing by acting, not reacting along with setting boundaries and enforcing them. You assert yourself and the issue is addressed before you can repress it.
In my journal entries, I wrote about the ‘Carnival in my head’ and covered in the last chapter. That is where the darkness and hatred comes from. It is not a place I enjoy going to in my head. Identifying it was a big plus for meditation since it has loosened some of its grip on me. It is new, months old I believe along with a few other aspects though I could be wrong.
Like the confident, wise guardian aspect of my psyche, the protective side I tend to hide behind. It may be new or was always there and I didn’t know. The comfort of it is the boundary it sets of mutual respect, you leave me alone, and I will leave you alone because trouble will not be allowed to happen. It should not be relied on for strength since it is just a part of a bigger group and there is a different part for that.
New, incomplete, it is what I want to be, the inner-strength to become who I want to be. The values and principles I want to embody is the armor that contains it, with each thing like a piece of it. These are the higher-level parts; they have emotion in a sense; however on a deeper more primal level is another aspect that I am sure we all have.
The animal side, it works with whichever part is strongest so it has to be used properly. In a survival situation, it has its place yet have seen it work with my hateful side on Day One of Wolf Fest and with the Guardian side. Sort of like the two wolves story in an earlier chapter I make sure to keep the focus on the good. It is the big stick in Teddy Roosevelt’s quote and was in action during Week 17 with the guardian aspect.
During the course of several days’ meditation, I uncovered another disgusting looking aspect that as of this week I had not identified yet. Either way the 10-15 minutes every day or so has calmed the mess in my head a bit and everything is working together better. It has helped me get some of my focus back and push through a bit of the depression. Many of the things I loved to do I just really do not care to do so it requires a massive amount of self-discipline to move forward. Now that I am gaining some momentum I just have to make sure, I do not stall out so I will be keeping my head as straight as possible with frequent meditation.
It is progress, the clutter is less, and who knows what I will uncover as I go.