Calming the Carnival in my Head

Part 2 of 3 of Week 20 in the upcoming book Ronin’s Journey


The downside is the emotions are still not really addressed or allowed an outlet in one form or another. Preferably in ways that do not hurt you or others. For all my introspection and progress, a simple picture or sound can still trigger a flashback. Less so now than before but still present. The foreboding feeling of unease and anxiety that occasionally creeps up, thankfully not to the levels of a panic attack or paranoia. Mood swings ranging from fine and happy to fuck you all. Looking around and feeling out of place like a puzzle piece that does not fit quite right even though I am not alone in that feeling. So yeah, it is still quite a mess in my head so how do you clean it up?

That particular tool came from a surprising source, a Facebook note with the concept of calling a meeting with the different aspects of your personality. The best way I can explain it is an aspect is a feeling or voice on your head. I think most of us have an inner-monologue along with some weird shit going through there and usually on. To get the chatter to quiet a little you have to calm your mind and the best way I found to do that is meditation. I am logical yet open-minded enough to try it and it was extremely interesting.

I do a basic meditation along with some soothing music with binaural beats to relax. When I get to the point, where I am aware of everything but it is not distracting I picture a meeting place and call out for the aspects. They have some interesting forms and I listen. I called them all, even tried to force one so I can know the difference between that and one appearing naturally along with their voices. It feels different if it is me putting words in their mouth instead of them speaking. With them, it is a surprise. Forcing my idea of it, would be a better explanation. It did not stick and brings me out of the alpha waves the harder I try. It accomplished what I wanted, what is actually there vs what I want to be there. We all have different sides of our personalities and this is a way to get a grip on them. I use it to put faces to all the chatter in my head and it helps immensely to be able to look a few of my inner-demons ‘in the eye’.


Last part goes up after Christmas

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