After I started working, I landed one job that became the first and only job I ever quit because I could not handle the verbal and physical abuse any longer. Not my proudest moment but it could be seen as a turning point. The following job had work release inmates, and one day when I was talking about my then girlfriend one of them said he would pay her a visit on his next furlough. Adrenaline spiked as I informed him, completely serious, that if he did I would end him. He did not really talk to me anymore after that. A while later I was at a new job and met a fireplug named Jackie with an attitude that intimidated his bosses and people twice his size. One day he got in my face demanding something, threatening to tear my head off and piss down my neck. I looked at him and informed him that it was not likely to happen. Where I am currently at we have this one person (doesn’t every job?) who seems to be under the impression he is running the place. He has size and I have seen him manipulate it where people have lost their jobs, and one day he raised his voice to me. I ignored him, walked away yet later he came back to give me more grief so I stopped him with a look.
Throughout my life, I was keeping count of altercations I had but only focusing on the bad, even listing them however, of the 15 interpersonal conflicts I came out on top eight times. Then there are the times I put myself between others and potential trouble, even deterring a few. Drunk wrangled a few times, even took a punch by one except I have been hit harder in the face, and just smiled in response. So what the hell am I insecure about? What do I have to fear?
I list these not to inflate my ego but to give me something concrete to add to the foundation of who I am. I have consistently done well repeatedly, so this I just have to realize I am more capable than I ever gave myself credit. As for fear, during a majority of these I remember being scared, what if I did fail? Yet I did not waver as I stood on shaking knees, which is adrenaline by the way. Yes, I have my limitations but they will never be found unless you test them, accept the ones you cannot change and work around them. Do not let insecurity get its hooks in place again.
Look back like I have been doing in this chapter of Ronin’s Journey, when have you prevailed. Don’t short change yourself?