Resurfacing

Another excerpt from my latest book project Ronin’s Journey from the Week 12 chapter. I hope you enjoy…

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I had been noticing a trend since week six and it was particularly strong by week eleven. It arose after multiple incidents, one while I was with my wife and the deaf church at a restaurant, a drunk at a family friend’s home, and at times in Atlanta. Normally my focus on personal protection as far as self-defense is concerned only really extended to my wife. Now, if I am in a group, any group, I watch out for the entirety. On the occasions, I spot potential trouble I get a bit of a thrill and feel more alive, adrenaline I guess.

So I asked myself quite a bit, why? Why is it that when I sit on the edge of the group, they talk and I listen and watch out for them and enjoy it so much. The concept of ‘sheepdog’ and going towards a problem has not been a part of me; instead, as far as society I had a very social Darwinian attitude.

It is when I am watching over others, helping them through stuff they do not understand, that I like myself again and where I am at physically and personally. I wondered if it is my way of nurturing others, however later it is also a way I am healing and coping. When I am in this mindset, I feel confident and with enough competence to back it up which has the fringe benefit of being deterrent to those looking for weakness to prey on. The way you carry yourself, calm, aware, when the need arises you can make it obvious that you will not allow any harm to come to anyone or yourself with just a look of intent.

Therefore, to help uncover the mystery of why I feel so powerful and at my best in the mindset, I call ‘guardian’-I like order so I named it, it’s a personality quirk-back on track, I asked a question of my friends, ‘when do you feel the most powerful and at your best?’ Many of the answers were when they were helping someone it feels good.
In my research, one of my new favorite authors explained in his book how to cope with the aftermath of violence. What I have been doing is taking back control in a sense, after the accident something clicked in my head and vowed that never again will someone be hurt under my watch. Not sure when it happened inside exactly, however it aids in my healing due to the social part of the human brain feels special and reconnects with society after a trauma. I see it in action when I open up my ‘bubble’ and reaching out to others.

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I’ll keep you guys updated on the project as I go. At the moment I don’t see an end in sight for the fact healing takes time and this is me sharing the journey with you and hoping that it helps you.